2002-06-03
2:46 p.m.

"But I can't help it if I'm just a fool. Always having my heart set on you. 'Til the time you start changing the rules I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes."
~Shakira, Fool

I can't believe Joel may be leaving Tucson. That really sucks. Through this whole damn thing, the fact that he may be interested in me, even remotely, was such a comfort. It felt so amazing and beautiful. He was flirting with me at the party, and I know it!! It was so blunt! Damn it, Sean, how hard is it to remember a friend's number. I really want to talk to Joel one-on-one. He was so cool. Oh well. On to more important things.

I think I may be ready to write about what happened to me. I'll have to go back and look at some of my notes, scribbled and crazy and haphazard they may be, but I know I had some good ideas. Though I'm too tired to think of any right now.

Truth be told, I'm still thinking of Joel, and I hate myself for it. Well, not really, but its something I greatly dislike about myself. I have always obsessed about boys and I probably always will. I just thought, Howie would bethe straw that broke the camel's back, in that I wouldn't have stupid little crushes anymore, since I had felt what truly loving someone was like.

I still love Howie. I probably always will. But my longing for him is nowhere near as intense as it used to be. First, it was a fire, then it was a mere flame, now I am picking through the ashes, trying to distinguish between what is salvageable, and what I must disregaurd.

All people need something outside of ourselves to keep us warm and safe and comfortable, in that way that only a mate can provide. I am no different, though I have tried to deny it in the past. I'm alwys on the lookout for another fire to keep me warm. It's just my bad luck that all of my fires so far have turnrd to ash, instead of burning, at least for a little while. Realizing that Joel may be leaving was a count torwards that awful destiny of ashes.

At least I understand a little more of my reasoning now for David and Josh. It makes sense through the stream of my life, why I would choose them, and why I would choose Howie.

Damn him anyway. He obviously doesn't care as much as he said he did or I would have been getting more in these last six months since his departure than a few three-sentence e-mails. Fuck him. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Wow. Okay. Some real depressing stuff there. More stuff later. I think I need to take a nap or something.