2002-12-23
2:13 a.m.

"Make me laugh. Say you know what you want. You said we were the real thing. So I show you some more and I learn what black magic can do. I got lost on my wedding day, typical. The police came. But virgins always get backstage no matter what they've got to say."
~Tori Amos, Jackie's Strength

Brianna used to be so awe inspiring to me. A melancholy mystery just waiting to be unfolded. Wild and crazy and everything I was not.

I know that her influence is at least part of the reason why I lost myself to Josh and David and others. The alcohol would have come on its own. That influence is inevitable, almost always in the life of a young person.

Seeing Bree today was almost too much. She’s married. Ta a man in jail. Is it any surprise? No. But she looked at me with such nonchalance, such impartiality. Like, “Oh, it’s you.” She simply has no idea. Not many people do.

And Beth. Oh Beth. Beautiful. So beautiful. Nor has she any idea. But there could have been so much more for us. Where did the time go? We could have done so much more; I could have known her so much better. If only. If only what? If only she weren’t sick? If only I weren’t crazy? If only my mom weren’t crazier than me? I don’t know.

Why did I love Bree so much? Why do I look at her with such disdain now? Because I thought she was so different from me. Because I knew I could never pull off her act without slitting my own throat. I look at her now. I look at what I wanted to be (if only for awhile). She’s just sorry now. And too skinny and too sad. Like she always was, really. Sex, drinking, drugs. Look what it got her.

And why do I still love Beth so much, without ever really knowing her, even after all these years? Because she’ll have everything. Just like I knew she would, whether she’s marrying her true love (true) or running off to Aulstarlia to save the endangered marsupials (maybe not). Rising up out of the ashes. Just like I want for me. So bold. So fearless. So utterly independent.

I just feel so old and so young at the same time. Stuck, as always, in the soft shoulder of the road while everyone else speeds ahead, conquering their dreams, getting married, fucking up. And all I do is watch, bewildered, wrapped so tightly around my mistakes and wishes and shortcomings, I’m just losing……