2002-06-05
9:54 p.m.

"Got me running girl as fast as I can. And is it right, butterfly, they like you better framed and dried?" ~Butterfly, Tori Amos

I just talked to Joel and got his number, or at least I hope so. I had actually called Sathya, and Joel was with him. They were busy playing games with Amy, and I didn't want to take up a lot of their time, so one of the numbers may be wrong. I'll find out tomorrow for sure! I'll keep trying 'til I talk to him! No one ever said I wasn't persistent!

Just the two second conversation I had with Joel about did me in. I'm still shaking like someone just threw me hard across the room, and I know it's not my medications. How exactly does one calm their butterflies enough so they can have a somewhat normal non-nervous conversation with the person causing the butterflies?

This has always been a big problem for me. Once I admit my feelings for someone, that's all that's left: Feeling. Logic takes a long vacation, and I am left melting in a pale puddle of goo and crutches, thinking, "He's Purdy!" If I don't admit it, as in saying it out loud, I can push that part of myself out of the way for awhile, while the "logical" side says, "There's no way you have a chance." In either situation, I'm the loser, and the likelihood of me finding my fire lessens. It's either A) Turn into goo, or B)Abuse myself with thoughts of worthlessness. Niether one is all that wonderful. I've had experiance with both.

At the party, while I was up, and everyone else was asleep, I would stare at Joel's sound face, relaxed in the midst of slumber, and just think with my heart for awhile.

I'm just no good at this boy stuff, but there's no way I'll get better until I have some experiance, and it just ain't happenin' here. The two experiances that I have had were so minimal in the grand scheme of things. Together, they hardly constitute the whole of a normal one. Josh and David were almost purely physical experiances, and I still suck at that stuff. (No pun intendend). Howie was almost like a relationship without the sex, but I've talked enough about him to fll a book, (which ironically, I plan to do. How perfect).

I'm just very scared to be in a relationship because I don't want to mess up. I don't want to be hurt, and I especiially don't want to be the one to cause any hurt, to myself or anyone else. But I hope that now that I have been diagnosed, I can move on with my life and how I'm supposed to live it. I think I'll be ready for a relationship soon, but it's a scary thing, especially since I take everything so seriously, and I have to analyze everything. I read between the lines, and often assign feelings to people, when they don't always have the feelings I thought they did. That's signal for some troubled waters ahead. At least I realize I do it, and can try to fix the problem. That's something, I suppose. Also, just because I may be ready for a relationship with a boy, doesn't mean I'll ever get one, but I've already talked about that enough.

I should get ready for bed. It's almost 11:00, and I have to get up at 7:00 tomorrow.