2002-03-12
10:31 p.m.

"I love the time and in between the calm inside me, in the space where I can breathe. I believe there is a distance I have wandered to touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in, holding out holding in."
~Sarah McLachlan, Elsewhere

I went to school today to do the tours I had promised John. It was okay, just a lot of walking. For the first one, I just hung back, and let John do all the talking, so I could see how it was done, then Chris and I did the second one. It went pretty well.

After the tours were finished, I saw TZ to get my AGEC (Arizona General Education Curriculum) certified. I have a little over 35 credits finished. I need at least 60-64 to get my AA degree, so I am almost there, I guess.

My mom is doing A LOT better, which of course I am totally thrilled about. We had a pretty good conversation this evening. She makes me feel loved completely.

I don’t know though. I guess I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m always tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I always feel run down. Not only that, but I just don’t feel good about myself. It hasn’t gotten any better since the summertime. I still fell shameful and guilty, and just plain rotten about the person that I am. I go along in my day, talking to people, doing my thing, and there is always a nasty little critic in the back of my head berating me for the things I say, actions I pursue. I’m talking to someone, trying the very best I can to communicate myself to them, and it feels like I’m trapped in a glass case. They can see me, and read my lips, but they could never in a million years totally understand what it’s like to be inside my head. They can never truly touch me. They can never truly get inside. I try to articulate my thoughts, my small, meager utterances, but they just come tumbling out, no rhythm, and no sense. Why is it like this? Why can’t I break free?

I leave a room, and I get paranoid. I just know that the people I leave behind are saying things about me. “Oh, that poor girl. Sweet but lost.” I don’t want to be lost anymore.

Plus, I don’t understand why I feel this way. Though my family is a little different, and we have our problems, we have always loved each other. I have never doubted their love, not one moment. I have wonderful friends, like Nassim and Steph, who I know respect and love me too.

I guess I just can’t get out of my head that I can never be all that I want to be because of my physical limitations. I can’t get it out of my head that I’m defective because of the crutches I have to use. There’s something missing. I ‘m not complete. I can never be perfect. I hate it so much. I don’t think anyone understands. I’m always going to be the girl with the crutches. I know that when people see me, they always make an automatic judgment, or at least I think they do, that I can’t do all that they can do. The scariest thing is, what if they’re right? What if I never become all that I want to become? We only have so much time on this earth. I’ve already used up twenty years, and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere.

I try to push it away. I try to go along with my life and forget that I’m different, forget that I feel this way, but it’s always there, always with me, every time I get up from my chair and I can’t stand on my two feet, then I don’t understand when these feelings come sneaking up on me. How do I fix it? I’m going to have to walk on crutches for the rest of my life. It’s not going to go away.