2002-02-06
9:45 p.m.

"But in the end it doesn't even matter. I had to fall, to lose it all. But in the end it doesn't even matter."
~Linkin Park, In The End

I'm kind of obsessed with this song and "My December" (also from Linkin Park). Steph introduced me to them, and they describe almost exactly what I've been feeling during my dark moments lately.

Why hasn't Howie e-mailed me for almost a month? Why didn't he call me when he was here in Tucson? Why didn't he want to see me? Why am I not on the top of his list? Why did he say he hadn't opened my card? Why am I not as important to him as I thought I was? I have to be worth something. I have to be worth more than just a few sentences every two weeks or more. I know I am. Why does he insist on calling me "little camper" when I'm supposedly his equal? Why the hell did I have to fall in love with him? I'm getting over my sad weepy stage, and going into my angry stage. I still love him, and I still think he's amazing, but I don't want to be wrapped around his little finger anymore. I am stronger than that.

Aside from all this crap, everything else is going pretty well. I'm feeling pretty good, and classes are going well. It's getting late, or I would write more, but I'm pretty tired.