2003-05-29
9:31 p.m.

"I don't wanna die, but I aint keen on living either. Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her."
~Robbie Williams, Feel

So, yeah, Tim and I are sleeping together now. I just can't believe it. Who would have thought I'd be in this place, 5 years ago?

See, first he said he just wanted sex, and I told him, finally, that I just couldn't do that. Then, he finally admited to me, that yes, he has real feelings for me. It's not just about sex. And I believe him. I really do. It's just that we have all of these complications, the biggest one being the 17 year age gap between us.

But we agreed to just take it one day at a time. I asked him what this was, what should I call this? He said that we are "having a good time." And I guess I can deal with that. For now. I know that he's a kind man. I know that I feel comfortable with him. (I mean, I can actually lay there completely naked with him, and be okay with it). We have fun, he makes me smile, and I've wanted him since I was 15 years old.

Okay, but since this diary is locked now, I can talk about this completely without shame. One of the main things I am most frustrated with, is the sex. Tim is so sweet and so gentle, and he does everything right. He really does. And it's not that I don't enjoy myself. But I just can't get very aroused, (get wet) or get an orgasm. I know why. I am taking anti-depressents, there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I am estrogen dominant, all of these things can contribute to these sexual side effects, but it is one of the most frustrating things. And since we are supposed to be "having fun" I think it makes the sex all that more important. I know it's not a long-term relationship at all, so I can't expect Tim to be all that patient when it comes to these health issues. This is not to say that he doesn't understand. He does. But it is frustrating.

So, I don't know. Life is a constant soap opera, I swear.

In other areas of my life. Things are going well. I went to that writer's workshop I was talking about this last weekend, and it was the most amazing thing. I can hardly put it into words.

I received my dorm assignment in the mail today, so I m very excited about that. Only about three more months till moving day!

So, I guess that's all. Tim just came online. Bye!