2002-05-18
6:05 a.m.

May 18, 2002: Exactly 2 years since I graduated high school.

God, I am so socially exhausted! Today, Meri woke me up with a phone call at 11:00. I got up shortly after, had breakfast/lunch, during which, Sathya called to ask if I had any crutches lying around. (He sprained his ankle yesterday). He wanted to make plans to see “Star Wars: Episode II” with Paul (who is leaving for California soon) and some other people. I had two problems with this: 1) I don’t like big groups of people, and 2) I only saw the very first Star Wars movie that came out. (Was it Episode V?). I wasn’t too impressed, proven by the fact that all I really remembered about that one was that Carrie Fisher was in it and she had braids on the side of her head. Oh, and I remember R2D2.

Oh well, so anyway… After a lot of talking on the phone with Sathya and Meri, I decided I really wanted to take a shower. After I finished with that, I talked on the phone for a little while longer, and finally decided to meet Sathya at his place. At first, I was going to take the bus, but then I realized that if I waited a bit longer my dad could drive me. I arrived at Sathya’s, and we watched “Run Lola Run” (It’s an awesome German movie!). Paul and his girlfriend Tristen arrived eventually, so we headed toward Park Place to buy the tickets and meet three more people. After we bought the tickets we grabbed something to eat before finding our seats.

Before the movie started, I ran into Becky from high school.We were in Poetry Club and Spanish class together. She was always really nice. She seems like one of those beautifully complicated, hippie types.

There were TONS of people in that theatre wanting to see this movie. Why the heck is “Star Wars” so popular? I really should just commit myself to watching all the films. I liked Episode II. It held my attention, but I was still kind of lost through some of it. There was a nice little romance between a Jedi and a Senator, which balanced quite nicely with some clever dialog and great action scenes.

Moving on… After the movie we went to Coffee Ect. to play some games and get some caffeine in our blood, (though I mostly just had herbal tea).

Gosh, even writing this is tiring. I haven’t even gotten to any of the stuff I really wanted to write about yet. My brain is feeling really scattered lately; all over the place… Everything’s just all gobbley gook and I’m trying really hard to get organized and put my thoughts into their proper categories, and it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m just all over the place right now. I must sound like a lunatic. (It is 5:30 in the morning, and I haven’t slept for 16 hours).

It’s scary to me. The more I hang around Sathya, the more I start to think like him, all disorganized and chaotic. I hate that. That’s part of the reason why I like writing so much. It takes these thoughts I create from feelings and organizes them into something that can be easily understood.

That is why I think my poetry is especially great, because it’s kind of chaotically organized. Though it’s sometimes hard to figure out what I’m talking about, it’s arranged on the page in such a way that is beautifully nonsensical. It communicates the utter disorder I feel inside while still remaining somewhat understandable.

*~*

I’ve started to figure out from my experiences tonight, exactly why I’m not too fond of big groups. I sometimes can handle a group of three if I know the people well, but I usually like one- on- one interaction. This is for a few reasons:

1) I like to give my undivided attention to people, and I like them to give their undivided attention to me. That just can’t happen in big groups.

2) As mentioned in one of my recent entries I am a very analytical person when it comes to the relationships I have with people. In big groups there is often not enough time to really contemplate things, to really slow down and just breathe. It’s harder to access people and the situation at hand since there is always something going on. Something is going to be missed, and I never know if what I miss is going to be important later on. Many things are lost in big groups, and it’s hard to get them back once the group has decided to move on to other things.

3) I try so hard to adjust myself to situations, and to be who the people with me want me to be while still trying to be true to myself that I sometimes lose myself in the translation. I feel I have to change myself, and when surrounded by so many people, I end up splitting myself into too many parts and my heart gets confused.

4) In big groups it’s harder to communicate with everyone exactly how I’m feeling and exactly what I need from them. I am not able to tell everyone that this is how I am, to be fragile with me. I’m like glass. I break easy.

*~*

Here’s another semi-related thing that’s interesting to bring up: With Sathya’s group, I feel I have to be funny and quick-witted to be accepted whole-heatedly. Doing those things just don’t come naturally to me. I’m very literal in my interactions with people. I don’t like sarcasm, and I like people to be completely honest. When people start joking around there is always a possibility that someone’s feelings will be hurt. (The ironic thing is, I may be literal in my interactions, but metaphorical in my writing. What’s up with that?)

It’s not that I don’t have fun while I’m with Sathya, (and the others). I wouldn’t continue hanging around him if I didn’t get something out of my time with him, but it just brings up a lot of issues for me, being with him, but I know I am learning a lot. Sathya’s just so honest, and we talk about so many things, on such a variety of topics. It makes me question this paradigm I’ve created for myself. With Sathya, it is a very ambivalent situation. One minute, I think he’s totally awesome, the next I want to strangle him. He’s a lot like a brother, I guess, with some sexual tension and flirting thrown in to stir things up, (like things aren’t stirred up enough, as is).

*~*

Traffic like molasses on a Friday night.
My evil Buddha is active in the corner of my mind.
Chaos incarnated.