2003-11-18
12:42 a.m.

"Once I believed in things unseen. I was blinded by the dark. Out of the multitude to me, he came and broke my heart."
~Sheryl Crow, Riverwide

Well, I haven't updated in eons, so I thought it was time. The University has kept me quite busy, though I am enjoying myself. I was nominated for the Englsih Honors program!! So stuff is good on the acedemic front.

It's good on the friend front too. I'm closer to Marc this semester, Meri and I were able to put our friendship back together, Sathya is, well, Sathya and of course Steph still loves me. Jen calls too, with as many stories as I've got heartbreaks.

The family front is good too. My dad and I are closer since I moved out and I finally stood up to my mom. I'm not giving her any more money. Period. Go me!!

The health front is another story. I'm back to a size 11 and I'm really worried because I have a gyno appontment on December 9th and I'm not sure it will go well. This past month was so hard. I felt like I was going to give birth!! Yikes. Oh well. I'm crossing my fingers.

Plus, I've been learning something in these past few months. The heart is a really funny thing. Tim's still on the brain and I think that I.... love him. I know it sounds melodramatic and I know I fall in love too easily but the fact remains that he still creeps into my mind every day. It's hard to let go of something I've savored since I was 15 years old. A lot of people say that Tim's just a high school crush that went too far but I feel in my heart that it's more than that. A lot of people don't understand why I would still care for someone who hurt me so deeply. Hell, I don't understand it myself but does understanding mean much in this life? I just feel so sad for how things ended. The saddest thing is, how could it have ended any other way? Why didn't I just keep a level head? Why did I let it go as far as it did? I shouldn't have pushed him so hard to tell me what was on his mind. I just should have let it go. I should have let the sexual tension reign as it is supposed to. I was just so lonely and I had wanted him for so long. I tried to keep things together. I tried to keep things open and honest. It just didn't work. I let my heart win and not my mind. But I couldn't even satisfy him. And then sometimes I wonder if he was telling me the truth. What if he was just busy? This isn't likely with some of the excuses he gave but I just can't stop thinking about it. It's been six months and it feels like everything happened yesterday.

I suppose I just have to keep focused on the things that matter: School, family, and the friends who still love me. Thank God for my blessings. Thank God.