2002-03-19
4:54 p.m.

"Cause nobody loves me. Its true. Not like you do. Who am I, what and why. Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday. Oh these sour times. Cause nobody loves me. Its true. Not like you do."
~Portishead, Sour Times

I'm really digging Portishead. JP thought I'd like them, so he let me barrow the CD, and I'm hooked. The music is so moody and melancholy, exactly the way I am feeling these days. It emulates my heart and petty words.

I'm not much better than I was yesterday. I didn't go to school today. I took a "mental health day." Sathya and I were up talking until late, (or early, depending on how you look at it). I got a few things off my chest regaurding our sexual tension, per John's suggestion. It was beyond tough, but I'm glad we talked. It made me realize a few things.

Part of the reason why I like surrounding myself with gay men, is that they're "safe." In other words, I know that the relationship that I have with them can never get more complicated than it already is. We're freinds, and there isn't a threat of our relationship moving to the next level. Even if I fall for them, as I did with Howie, I know that nothing is going to come of those feelings. Moving to the next level with someone almost always gaurantees getting one's heart broken. Though there is a possibility of a broken heart while in a freindship with someone, it's a lot less likely. I told Sathya that I need him to be safe, but this is not to say that I want to close myself off to possibilities. But for now, I don't want to fall, and I was getting really scared for awhile that that could happen.

Plus, Sathya shared something with me that made him safer than he used to be. I don't want to say anything about it here, seeing that anyone could read waht I'm writing here, including domeone that Sathya doesn't want to know, but It makes me feel good that he was comfortable enough with me to share it. I also told him that it makes me love him more because it makes him more human, more vulnerable.

Sathya recommended a personality test to me that he's pretty much obsessed with, but for pretty good reason. It's the most accurate personality test I have ever seen. It's called Ansir Go take it!

I also talked to Wenday last night, before Sathya called, and she made me feel better about everything. She reminded me that what I'm going through happends to everyone. It is the human condition. Her voice was kind and motherly, and I really needed to hear it.

I talked to my Aunt Cindy as well. and I know she was happy to talk to someone, have someone listen to her. It makes me feel good to know that I gave her something she needed.