2003-11-26
9:06 p.m.

"What is this? This foreign breath I'm lying with. Thieves are never sweet."
~Emm Gryner, The End

I'm still as heartbroken as ever. It just never ends. I miss him so bad, it feels like something is exploding inside. Today was especailly hard because I overslept for my appointment, therefore pissing my dad off, and I've had a headache and backache all day. Against my better judgement, I sent Tim a note on Monday, trying to see if he was ready to move on, to talk to me again, but as expected, I've heard nothing. How can I just let go of someone I've loved for so long? With Howie, though I was in love with him, I hadn't even known him for half a year before he left and with Tim, well, I've loved him since I was 15. That just doesn't go away.

Speaking of my first love, Howie called out of the blue last Thursday and to be honest, I didn't really know what to make of it. I was glad to hear from him sure, but I realized that I'm not in love with him anymore. Yes, I will always love him, but I am not consumed by him anymore. The problem is, that now Tim has taken Howie's place, but it almost hurts more this time around because I've known Tim longer, we slept together, (which always makes thing s more complicated), and I suppose Tim hates me now. At least with Howie, I was comforted by the fact that he still loved me even after he left. It's especially upseting because it took me 2 years to realize I was over Howie, to finallly move on with my life. I don't want another lovesick 2 years. On the bright side, I guess I'm 1/4 of the way there...

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. I'm hoping it will be a good day, that I will forget how much I've been hurting.