2002-03-24
5:37 p.m.

Okay, so I saw TZ on Friday, and she helped me to feel a lot better. I told her how I have been feeling so bad abbout myself, so depressed, so useless as a person.... yadda yadda yadda. She reminded me of a few things.

Basically, there are three stages that people go through. We have feelings, we have thoughts about those feelins, and we have actions based on those thoughts. TZ said that Our thoughts are only stories we tell ourselves to rationalize our feelings. It does not mean that those stories are true. So I just have to start making up different stories, and these stories will probably be closer to the truth.

TZ also reminded me that when I start feeling bad about myself, it doesn't mean that I am any less specail or worthwhile. She gave me the example of a hurricane glass. Everything that makes us who we are, all of the wonderful things, is a flame that burns. These stories that we make up, or criticisms that we get cloud the glass with the flame inside, and make it harder to see the flame, so we forget that it's there. That doesn't mean it is any less bright.

I also told TZ that it's hard for me to seperate myself from my disability. When people tell me that I am a good person, I am never sure if they are saying it because I am having to deal with with my disibility, or because I really am a worthwhile person. I also said that it's sometimes hard for me to belive what people say, because I don't know if there saying it because they feel obligated to, or because they feel sorry for me. TZ told me that I have to learn to trust what people are saying, to allow them to help me clean my hurricane glass.

But I told TZ that it makes me feel bad that I need so much validation from other people. I told her that I have always thought that our enlightment comes from within. America is such an individulistic society. I believe we as a country look down on people who need help. TZ told me not to feel bad about this. She said that we have to create our own culture. If the "pick yourself up by your boot straps" philosophy doesn't work for me, than it's okay. She also said that it's not about other people cleaning our hurricane glass, but getting the inspiration from them to do it ourselves.

I also told TZ how I always come back to the phrase. "Until you learn to love yourself, you can't love someone else." I always worry about weather or not I'll learn to love myyself. What if I never do? TZ said she thought there was a lot of truth in that statement, but a better question to ask myself is: How can I learn to love myself? She said that my coming to see her, and getting this stuff on the table, being brave enough to do it was a step in the right direction for sure.

I also told TZ about my need to please other people so that they will love me. I told her that this aspect of myself upsets me. Why can't I please people for the sole purpose of pleasing? TZ said that she could relate. She's done it before in her life. She said it was kind of like taking hostages. "Now you're obligated to love me, since I've done something for you." TZ said for me to kind of experiment. The next time I do something for someone, tell myself that I'll do it for free, that they don't have to love me because of my actions. Will it still feel just as good as when I don't do it for free?

I think my most favorite part of the session was when TZ told me she loved me, and she said she didn't love me because she had to, or because of my disibility, but because I truly am lovely and beautiful. And I really did believe her.