2002-06-05
4:09 p.m.

Well, I was just going to stay home yesterday, but when I called Ruth, she told me about Luke, a boy who's coming to see her this weekend. She said she needed to go shopping for a new outfit, so I offered to go with her.

We had a really good time and ended up spending the whole day together. I didn't get home until after midnight!

Ruth is wonderful because she is so open and honest. From our first one-on-one conversation, she shared so much with me that I knew ikt would be okay for me to be open with her. We have a lot of the same insecurities too, which in itself is bad, but it's also good because we can understand each other really well.

Wen went to Target, Clothestime, and then after dinner we went to Super Wal-Mart, trying on clothes the whole time, so I'm going to try to take it easy today. If I do go out, it won't be till later, and I'll request that we see a movie ao have some coffee. My body is stil exhausted!

When I'm with Ruth, we always end up talking about boys, so of course my mind was on Joel very much yesterday. I think I have realized a few things about him and my hospital stay as well.

I was just talking to Sathya, and he described society like a fire on a mountin. It all comes together to create a full fire, but there are a few seperate little ones that add to the full effect. That's how society is, and that's why there is often a lot of conflicting ideas present in the culture.

I was telling Sathya about what I was finding in the ashes of Howie's infatuation. I have realized through converations with Howie and Sean, plus my hospital stay as well, that someday I might like to have a husband and kids. I really do want the stereotype of a happy husband, 2.5 kids, and half a dog, even though I have denied it for awhile.

Society giives conflicting messages about this. According to Sathya, because of the feminist movement, women were taught not to want that, but the truth is, a lot of women really do want the ideal family. Hollywood is dripping with enforcements of this stereotype. Any chick flick is proof enough that there are still people who think it's the way to go.

Well, anyway, I believe that that's where a lot of my inner conflicts come from. Wanting the stereotype is a big part of who I am, and I have been trying to silence that desire for so long. It's quite the same regarding the denial of my disability, but we will get to that shortly, I'm sure.

There are a few other things I am thinking about. I have always wished peole could have a life like a VCR. There would be a PLAY button of course, but also a PAUSE button, so we could stop when we needed to, and take a breath. Life doesn't allow us to do that very much. There would be a REWIND button, so we could both rewatch and/or redo certain events we want to work on a bit more. Last, but not least, a FAST FORWARD button, so we could make sure everything would be fine in the end. Well, my hospital stay was that VCR in action. At least it acted as my PAUSE button.

Also, I was thinking about the chamagne bottle analogy that Sathya came up with regarding my breakdown. My cork popped and a lot of stuff got spilled. Well, I have an image in my head of that bottle being frozen in space and time.

Well, anyway, my dad will be here shortly. Adios!